*Song: Gone, Gone, Gone by Phillip Phillips
I yelled, "Just go!"
His back turned toward me I could see him let out a sigh. He shoulders relaxed under his tight gray shirt. I could see him raise a hand up to his face. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he turns towards me. Looking me in the eyes he says, "You know I can't do that."
"Can't or won't? 'Cause we both know that you sure as hell can walk out that door and never come back. So, why? Why won't you leave Jacob?" He shakes his ever so slightly and gives me the saddest look. It pierces my heart and for a split second I don't want him to leave. I want him to wrap me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be okay and that it will all go back to how it used to be. I want to wake up in the morning with his scent on the pillow. I want to breathe him in like I'm drowning and he's the only thing giving me oxygen. I want him more than my next breathe. I look back up at his eyes that used to warm me with their chocolate gaze and realize it's not sadness that he's looking at me with. It's sympathy. He feels sorry for me.
"Babe." I can't. I just...I don't understand where things went wrong. We were perfect yesterday and today I just can't do it.
"No, don't 'babe' me. You need to leave. I just..."
"I know. I'm sorry. I love you, Trace." He walks toward me, arms extended ready to wrap me in the muscular arms that have always eased my pain before. Now, I'm looking at him with sadness clouding my vision. Tears blur and I can no longer see his face clearly. The grayness keeps coming and soon it's all I see as I sob into his chest.
He envelops me in warmness, but I can feel the hurt. It's in the way his arms don't hold me as tight. It's in the way he's slowly rubbing circles on my back trying to soothe me. It's the way he softly kisses my hair and murmurs, "It's okay," when really it's not okay. It will never be okay again. We will never be okay and neither will I.
I rest my head on his chest and let the tears fall. I try to remember every detail about him, every little thing that I love about him. I don't want to forget any of it. I don't want any of the good memories tainted by this. What we had was real and it'll always be there.
When I smell coffee I'll always think of him and how he would wake up every morning and give me a kiss before hopping out of bed to start the pot. When I see a rose, I'll remember how he would surprise me with them every month just to give me something to really smile about that day. It didn't matter what kind of day I was having he always knew what to do or say to make it all better. The simplest smile could make my heart beat faster and fill me with a joyous love I've never known possible. My whole body would feel warm, from my toes all the way to my heart, warmth would radiate just because he smiled at me.
It's all over now. There's no more warmth. There's only pain. I can feel the hurt in every part of my body. I ache all over. That's how strong my love for him is. I'm crushed. I don't know if the pieces will every fit back together again.
I lift my head and slowly break the hold he has on me. I can't even look up at him.
"If you won't leave, then I guess I will." I take a full step away, hold out my hand and he takes the letter that arrived today out of it.
It's so silent. I think I hear his heart break as he takes the letter. He looks down at the envelope addressed to him.
"I'm sorry. If this is what you need, I'll give it to you. I made you a promise that I would love you forever. I'm not breaking that, but if you need me to go, then I will."
He folds the letter and puts it in his back pocket. He looks back up and I can see the heartache. He kisses me softly on the cheek and walks out the room and out of my life.
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